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  • Writer's pictureMelanie Barrett

Why do we suffer? (Energy Depleting psychologies)

Updated: Mar 22

Our beliefs in the identity that we think we need to maintain drags us out of the unconditioned freedom that is always here, in to the suffering of contraction, solidity, restriction and confinement.

We are unconditioned freedom itself appearing in form but by trying to maintain an identity of who we ‘believe’ we need to be, we can suffer.

Our identities have been created in childhood to keep us feeling loved, safe and protected, they are not an issue until we outgrow some or all aspects of them. They can then feel like restrictive, psychological prisons. As an adult you really don't need life to protect you, love you, to validate you. You are that source of love, safety and validation you so desperately yearn.

By cultivating an awareness of the subconscious motivations of everything you think, say and do you can begin to understand your inner dynamics; you can begin to understand the driving force behind the energy contracting and depleting psychological patterns that are running in your psyche.

Whatever idea you are believing in every moment either contracts or expands your consciousness/ body/ energy field. You are either perceiving from fear and limitation or love and infinite potential.

With awareness of the psychological program that is running your life you can begin to consciously disengage from it and come home in to the body where freedom, contentment, infinite potential; a higher level of intelligence resides.

Awareness of our energy depleting patterns enables us to begin to make more conscious decisions as to how we want to spend our time and energy. “If we can see it (our unconscious patterns) we don’t have to be it”.

We always need to have so much love and compassion for ourselves when we are beginning to become more consciously aware of our psychological patterns. Our genetics and conditioning have created them.

It is not enough just to identify them we also need tools to make a conscious choice as to whether to continue in the same way. If you like you can email me about the STOP PROCESS or make an appointment to see me & I’ll teach you.

Energy depleting psychologies (ways of being) have their roots in 2 core lack beliefs (We all have them :)). -

  1. I am loved for what ‘I do’, ‘how’ I AM and not ‘AS I AM’ (naturally). - Self esteem issues.

  2. The world is (I am) only safe when ‘I’ get things right, am in control/worry - safety issues.

To be self aware, to know thyself, is fundamental for growth, change and expansion beyond limitation. There’s nothing personal in this, we are all a product of our genetics and conditioning. The following are the main energy depleting psychological patterns, the average human usually has bits and pieces of all of them. I certainly do :). There’s nothing wrong with any of them per se, if they are working for you go for it!. If you are depleted, anxious or depressed and want change maybe its time to become consciously aware of what is driving your motivations.


We define our self-worth and meet our 

emotional needs by what we do for others & they’d better appreciate it!! :).

We can often lose contact with what we really 

want, instead being drawn towards others 

goals and outcomes.

Others’ needs seem more important than 

our own.

We are a great “number 2” but struggle to 

know our own voice

We give to others what we deep down hope 

they/life will give to us. (Only you can fill your own cup).

We often don’t even know what we want for ourselves when asked

Which of these statements are true for you?

I tend to spend most of my time involved with helping other people

I tend to put other people’s needs above my own

I feel out of touch with my own needs

I feel like I must please others or win them over all the time

I tend to have people become dependent upon me

I mainly get a sense of self-worth by helping other people

I often feel unappreciated & that my love & giving to others is not reciprocated at the same level that I love & give.

I find it difficult/impossible to ask for what I need/want.


We define our self-worth, and earn the 

Love/validation of others, by what we do and achieve 

in the world

We often drive ourselves beyond our own 

limits in the pursuit of the goals we have set

We treat our body like a machine

We lose touch with our emotional world, how we really feel

because we are too consumed by what we are 

trying to achieve in the outside world (driven)

Which statements are true for you?

I have high expectations of myself and those around me

I am highly motivated to achieve the goals I have set in my life, nothing gets in the way

I mainly get a sense of self-worth through my external achievements

I tend to be driven to obtain status and attention

Being seen or seeing myself as a failure is one of my greatest fears

Coming across as having my “shit together” is essential to me


Our self-worth, and safety in the world, is 

tied to doing things the ‘right’ way

There is a ‘perfect’ way to be or do, ‘I’ need to achieve that to feel loved, safe, enough

Doing and getting things right, appearing as perfect is a measure of us as 

a person

If a job is worth doing, do it right - do it perfectly or not at all

If we make a mistake, we feel unsafe 

and in danger, we don’t understand that mistakes are an inevitable part of the growing process. Getting it wrong is scary territory.

Which statements are true for you?

I tend to have high standards for myself and others

I feel like I’m always trying to get it right, to perfect things

I can feel like a bad person if I do not get things right or perfect, if I don’t say (do) just the right thing

I mainly get my sense of self-worth through perceiving that I’ve done/said the right thing, that I’ve played my part perfectly


The world feels like an inherently unsafe and 

dangerous place, and the way to stay safe is to 

stay in our minds/ continuously over analysing situations

We tend to have a lot of mental activity, which 

at the extreme can lead to feelings of 


We live in our heads, not in our body 

We try to think/analyse our way to a feeling of safety

How many of these statements are true for you?

I have experienced high levels of anxiety/ feeling unsafe from a young age

I have a high perceived sense of danger, I can feel afraid for no apparent reason

I don’t feel I was given a sense of safety as a child

I may appear to do daring feats and appear fearless on the 

outside, but this is an attempt to overcome inner fear and anxiety

I feel I cannot trust my own inner guidance, opinions and views, I’m always second guessing myself

I am attracted to authority, but distrustful of it at the same time, I’m afraid of being controlled and manipulated


We need to feel in control of our world

and the world around us (& everyone in it!) to ensure that we 

are safe

We tend to often find ourselves taking on 

too much because we believe it’s the only way to have control (do it myself or it won’t be done to my exacting standards)•

We fear being seen as sensitive 

and/or vulnerable

We project an image of being in control of our station

How many of these statements are true for you?

If people saw my sensitivity and vulnerabilities, they may take advantage of them or judge me as weak

If I want a job done properly, I need to do it myself

The world feels scary when I’m not in control

I’m a natural leader, and in times of crises people look to me

You have to be careful who you share your weaknesses and vulnerabilities with, can't show your true feelings, must appear as 'in complete control'

If you feel to, just gently and in an unconditionally loving way, begin to contemplate your motivations throughout the day, why are you doing that extra thing when your body is exhausted?…why are you so offended if somebody doesn’t respond to your gestures as you’d like?….why can you not ask for help if you need it?…why can’t you say no when you want to, what are you afraid of? etc…etc…

Above all be kind, loving and gentle with yourself, regard it as an empowering exercise in self awareness.

With self awareness comes the ability to choose freely…to make conscious, self empowering choices.

As always if you’d like a one - one to thrash out some of these ideas and need a guide to facilitate, don’t hesitate to make an appointment.

0432 659 044

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